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Did you hear about the dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Contributed by Hal
The preacher concluded his fiery sermon on the evils of drink by roaring "They oughta take all that demon rum and throw it in the Sabine River!"The song-leader then announced the closing hymn: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Contributed by Clifton
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. Stay below deck during the storm.
12. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
13. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
14. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
15. Don't miss the boat.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
Contributed by Jane
THREE WISE WOMEN!
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
Contributed by Arix1
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
Contributed by Carolyn
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY--DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH MEMBERS!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that the benches are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those say they can't go because they'll be having family over.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
Hope to see you there!
Contributed by Rick and Alice
We will distribute "Stamp out Stewardship" buttons for those who
feel that the church is always asking for money.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the sermons and cotton for those who can.
Contributed by Philip
You forgot the ESPN feed for those who don't want to miss the game.
Contributed by Soren
PLEASE STAND UP
The pastor was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the Bishop paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!
(Note: For our international friends, the "Star-Spangled Banner" is the national anthem of the United States, and it is customary to stand while it is being played.)
Contributed by APPSPARMED
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" says Saint Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."
"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter. "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest:
"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
Contributed by ALadyNRead
Tired of hearing the same, time-worn excuses for why people don't attend church services, the Rev. Sudney Laing of Dublin, Ireland, wrote this humorous piece for his parish paper:
"Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash"
1. I was made to wash as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites; they reckon they are cleaner than other people.
3. There are many different kinds of soap; I could never decide which one was right.
4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
5. I still wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash.
7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a bit dirtier I might start washing.
8. I really don't have time.
9. The bathroom's never warm enough.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.
Contributed by Jane
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and Bishop Jones was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Bishop said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Bishop."
The Bishop questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Contributed by Carol
Before I joined the Church, I always told those who inquired about my religious views that I was a Frisbeeite.
I said, "We believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can't get it down."
Contributed by Sheri
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$766.25 - Price of the Best with extended 6 year 66,000 mile warranty.
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast.
00666 - Zip code of the Beast.
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! $6.66/minute. Over 18 please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
66.6 KBST - Radio station of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Levi 666 - Jeans of the Beast, The 666th level of baggy.
666i - BMW of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
Compaq Armageddon minitower - 666 MHz Pentium II Processor, 666 MB RAM (expandable), 6.66 GB Harddrive, 66.6k/14.4Kbps Modem. Our lowest price ever! Save as much as 66.6%!
Contributed by Brent
Sacrament Meeting Program blooper
The scouts would appreciate it if the Sisters in the ward would lend them their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Saturday.
Contributed by Kent
Adam was talking to God one day. He asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied, "so you would marry her and bring other children to the world." Then Adam asked, " So why did you give her soft silky skin?" Again God anwered, "so you would marry her." Then Adam asked," I understand now why you made her so beautiful, and soft, but why did you make her so stupid?" God chuckled a little bit and simply replied, "So she would marry you."
Contributed by Becca
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS:
* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at side entrance.
Contributed by Norma on 8/4/97
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope hopped onto Route 95. Though he wasn't used to the car, he was doing very well. Suddenly, there were the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the trooper came to his window. "Your tail lights are out. Let me see your license and insurance information." Then the trooper noticed who it was. "Oh, excuse me. Would you mind waiting here while I call this one in?" The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief asked "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper said,""No, even more important." The chief asked, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President, is it?" "No, more important," answered the trooper. "Well WHO is it!," screamed the chief.
"I don't know" said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
Contributed by Doug on 6/16/97
An Agnostic and an Atheists were married and had a real moral problem on their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.
Contributed by Reuben Dunn on 4/11/97
A Catholic Priest, A Baptist Preacher, and a Mormon Bishop went fishing in a boat together. After awhile, the Mormon Bishop ran out of bait. So he got up, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, and returned the same way with more bait. Soon after, the Catholic Priest also ran out of bait and did the same. Finally the Baptist Preacher ran out of bait and stepped out of the boat and sank down into the water until it reached his neck. The Catholic Priest laughed and said to the Mormon Bishop, "Should we tell him about the rocks beneath the water?" The Mormon Bishop, obviously confused, said, "What rocks?"
Contributed by Lynda
An ecclesiastical leader really loved golf. He was also very busy with all of his church responsibilities. It seemed that every time he set aside a little time to play golf, another problem would come up and he would have to go help. Finally, it looked like he had a whole afternoon off. Unfortunately, it was on the Sabbath, but the leader rationalized that since he had spent so much time on church things on other days of the week, it would be all right to use part of the Sabbath to do a non-Sabbath thing. So he sneaked off to the golf course. It was a beautiful day, but surprisingly almost no one was around to watch him break the Sabbath day. On the first hole, he got a hole in one. He was stunned. He had never gotten a hole-in-one before! All of his golfing buddies would never believe it! The second hole, he also got a hole-in-one. It was amazing! Two in a row! He couldn't wait to tell his wife! The third, fourth, and fifth holes were all holes in one. At the end of the course, the leader had only taken 18 strokes, a course record. He could get his name and the date engraved on a plaque in the clubhouse and get a free dinner for him and three friends. Moses was up in heaven watching all of this with God. "Why did you let him do so well? Shouldn't he be punished?" God replied, "He is. Who could he tell?"
Contributed by the Larson Family
Why did God create woman? Because he looked at Adam and said: "Oh, I can do better than that!"
Contributed by Dr. Robert J. Matthews
Do you know why God created Adam first? He didn't want any advice on how to do it.
Contributed by Ken
What did Brigham Young say to the woman who complained that her husband had told her to go to Hell? "Well, first off, don't you do it!"
Contributed through a Usenet discussion
A true story: It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"
Contributed by President Gordon B. Hinckley
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