"For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light..."

Mormon Jokes and LDS Humor


A Mormon guy in line to get lunch leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Mormon joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.  I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an anti-Mormon.  The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's an anti-Mormon.  The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's an anti-Mormon.  Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."

Contributed by Highrideri

Changing a lightbulb?

How many seminary teachers does it take?  It depends...
   Early morning seminary:  It takes one perched precariously on a chair in the dark at 5:30 am. (high heels help her reach better)
   Fulltime seminary teacher:  They don't need a light bulb, they put off enough light from their perpetual smile.
   Seminary coordinator:  Uh, I know they've got lightbulbs around here somewhere
   Home study seminary teacher: Just open the refrigerator door,  and let her husband change it when he gets home.

Contributed by hamfam

At a recent Stake Conference of the Chula Vista, California Stake, President Paul B. Duncan related the following story.

President Duncan explained how Saturday was a day to get things done around their house because of work, family and church responsibilities.  Just a few weeks ago he and his youngest son Jeff who is six years old had just finished mowing the lawn and were putting things away.  President Duncan thought this would be a terrific opportunity to rest and spend a few minutes with Jeff.  The two of them crawled up on the family's trampoline and gazed up into the blue sky.  With a puzzled look Jeff turned and asked "Dad,...Why are we here?"  President Duncan thought this would be great teaching opportunity so he explained how we are children of our Father in Heaven, How he has sent us here because he loves us and wants us to experience the things he has created for us, How he wants us to serve one another, to learn, to grow and to develop those qualties that will allow us to return to live with Him some day.  President Duncan paused and asked if that had answered his question.  Jeff responded, "Not really".  President Duncan then began to think how else he might be able to answer the question when Jeff again asked, "Dad,...Why are we here?...weren't we supposed to pick Mom up an hour ago?"

Contributed by Derrick

A primary teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to  "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Contributed by APPSPARMED

LDS actor James Arrington, who has portrayed Brigham Young in a one-man show for the past 23 years, shared his favorite story of the prophet in the Thursday, April 22, 1999 Provo Daily Herald:

It seems that a man came bursting into Brigham Young's office, crutches flying.  He only had one leg, and he shouted, "Now, Mr. Prophet, I want you to give me another leg this instant.  Otherwise, I will publish it abroad that you are not a prophet at all."

President Young apparently told him that would be easy enough, but that consequences would result.  Young explained that if he gave him another leg, it would rise with him in the resurrection - as would the other two legs.  That meant the man would have to deal with three legs for all eternity.

Contributed by Joyce

A Bishop was an avid duck hunter, and was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. 

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. 

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. 

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. 

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" 

"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim." 

Contributed by Carey

On the LDSPrimary list, Lezlie tells a story of using ground-up Oreos (they look like dirt) to teach a lesson on faith. The funny part is the PS.:

I did this lesson when I was teaching the 16 year olds.  The boy I asked refused to try the "dirt" (I was told later, by his mother,  that he is a very picky eater) and another boy volunteered. 

The second boy tasted the "dirt" and was completely shocked that it was OREO!  He told me he knew it was not real dirt...but he didn't know what it was.

This turned out to be a VERY effective lesson for this class.~ Lezlie
(PS...both of these boys served missions in Thailand (and for 3 months were companions).   The first boy lost 25 pounds and the 2nd boy gained almost 20!)

Contributed by Kent

Gladys Knight, who joined the LDS Church last year, got to sing for the Prophet on Friday night. She also performed at a luncheon honoring Sister Marjorie Hinckley on Saturday.

Of course, President Hinckley has been traveling so much that I'm sure some of Gladys' songs must ring true for Sister Hinckley.

I wonder which song she identifies most with, "Midnight Train to Georgia" or   "Neither One Of Us (Wants To Be The First To Say Goodbye)?"

Contributed by Cancio

When my daughter LaBronna was 4 she asked me who Jesus' father was. I told her it was God. She said, "well who's his mother" and I told her his mother was Mary. She said "I thought Mary had a little lamb" ?

Contributed by Becky

Life Begins

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Mormon bishop were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You've both got it wrong," said the bishop. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

Contributed by Anna

Soon after I began my mission in Denmark, my trainer and I went to visit an inactive sister.  The sister wasn't home, so we talked to her teenage son for a few minutes before leaving.  As we were getting ready to leave I decided to try out a phrase I'd heard a lot since I'd been in Denmark: "Hilse," which means "Say hi."  I tried to say, "Hilse din mor for os," which means "Tell your mother hi for us."  Instead of saying, "Hilse," I said, "Hest din mor for os."  The boy gave me a strange look and went into his house.  I turned to my trainer and asked why he'd given me such a funny look.   She laughed and said I'd just told him to
"Horse your mother for us."

    Several months later I was a trainer.  My trainee wanted to say, "Because of Christ's attonement we can recieve forgiveness for our sins."   Instead of using the word, "Tilgivelse"  (forgiveness), she used the word, "Tilladelse" (permission).  So what she actually said was, "Because of Christ's atonement we can recieve permisssion for our sins."   Luckily we were in our room studying and not teaching an investigator when she said that.

Contributed by Jill

In Salt Lake City, Utah  everyone is into researching their family tree. Even the big department stores sell genealogy supplies.  A newcomer to Salt Lake City, and a non-researcher, got a job as a clerk at one of the big department stores.   She received her introduction to genealogy one day when a customer came into the store and asked " Where do I find the Family Group Sheets?"   The new clerk, with a shocked look on her face, answered, " Family Group Sheets ? All we carry are the King, Queen, double and twin size sheets."

Contributed by Helene

During primary, the music instructor asked the children to close their eyes and imagine Christmas.  All the children proceeded, and told about presents, trees, baby Jesus, and other Christmas images that they saw.  Lisa, a little girl in my Sunbeams class, raised her hand and said, "I just see black". The instructor didn't understand, and had Lisa close her eyes again.  "I still see black", she said.  I had to explain it to the instructor, who began laughing, along with all of the teachers in the room. It always amazes me at their honesty!

Contributed by Sister Russell

My friend Norm recently started a new choir. They don't sing much - in fact, they mostly just sit around drinking diet pop and eating fruit. It's called the Norman Tab and Apple Choir.

Contributed by Ken

It was the Sunday that a Stake High Council member was speaking. True tradition, the High Councilman's talk was dragging on. Not only was it past the time for his talk to end, it ws well past the time for Sacrament Meeting to end. The congregation was getting restless and the children very fidgety.

My then two and-a-half year-old son finally had had enough and decided to take matters into his own hands. His stood up on the bench and with all the voice of authority that a toddler can muster proclaimed, "Amen. Go home!"

After the ripple of laughter from the congregation died down, the High Councilman stated, "Well, I guess it's about time to wrap this up." He then quickly bore his testimony and sat down.

The High Councilman must have shared this experience, because the next month at the beginning of his talk, the visiting High Councilman said, "I will keep my remarks brief. I hear your ward has a warning system should I speak to long."

Contributed by Randolph

What do you get when you play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir backwards?

1000 different recipes for salads/non-alcoholic beverages.

Contributed by Andrea

Q: What do you get when you cross a Kleptomaniac and a Mormon?
A: A basement full of stolen food.

Contributed by Catherine

My uncle rewrote the lyrics to "In Our Lovely Deseret."  Here they are:

In our lovely Deseret
Where the saints of God have met
There's a multitude of children all around.
And they cry and scream and shout
So they will be taken out
To the corridor where they can run around.

Hush! Hush! Children, here's the Sacrament.
Wait 'till the speaker's up to scream.
Then we'll go out to the hall
Where you can have a ball
And we'll do the very same thing here next week.

Contributed by A.H.

During a Primary lesson on the bishopric, the teacher asked the children what a bishop does.  Without hesitation, a bright six-year-old answered, "moves diaganolly."

Contributed by Beth

Hey, let's celebrate!

These are some of the lesser known Holidays that I celebrate:

The first meeting with refreshments, May 17th in 1829, Emma made hard bread and served it with cheese and a spot of tea (herbal).

Jell-O Day April 3 1901 Jell-O invented-Mothers rejoice.

Container Day- August 12- Plastic Container invented specially to hold Fruity Cereal-Mothers rejoice- Custodians rue the day.

On time Sunday, First Sunday in May once every 5 years. Chronically late families cheer inwardly as they actually for once get to sing the first verse of the sacrament hymn. Hearts are stirred, Lives changed. Announcements heard.

EFY Day, June 10th - Two mothers in Orem with a total of 9 teenagers between them, hatch a plan to get the TV watching, hormonal youth out of the house for an extra week during the summer. At a DI kitchen table in the shadow of BYU, Especially For Youth is born.

Contributed by James

One busy Saturday as I was leaving for work and my husband was leaving for the temple, our 11-year-old asked who was going to fix breakfast. We told him that his 15-year-old brother would. He replied, "Would this be a good time to use my 72-hour kit?"

Contributed by Betty Jo

Missionary Advice

"When a big mean, dog attacks you, Elder, just remember, you don't have to run faster than the dog, ... you just have to outrun your companion."

Contributed by Erica Lynn

Did you hear about the guy that got his LSD and LDS mixed up? Instead of going on a trip he went on a two year mission.

Contributed by Tom

If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.

Contributed by Brad

What type of vehicles do most Mormon Families drive? BMW's (Big Mormon Wagons)

Contributed by Justin

Our stake mission leader related this:

When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing frisbees, etc. on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only."

The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary."

Contributed by Susan

The first Epistle of the Elders to the dead Letter Writers:

1. In the beginning was the mailbox and the mailbox was void of letters.
2. And the missionaries said, Let the mailbox be filled and the box was not filled.
3. And the missionaries beheld the continuing void and were not pleased.
4. And lo, it was the first day of the week and there was no mail delivered, but this was good.
5. But on the second day mail was delivered, yet the mailbox remained empty.
6. Yea, even from the second day unto the seventh was the mail delivered.
7. Even so the box retained its' void.
8. And yea, great mists of darkness spread forth from the void and enshrouded the Missionaries. Yea and did bring much sadness to their otherwise cheery days.
9. Even the long hours of fruitless tracting, being chased by the fowls of the air, and being pursued by the beast of the field were not as disheartening as the lack of sacred objects known as letters.
10. Yet they persisted.

1. And, lo, on the second day of the second week the mists still encircled the sacred mailbox.
2. And on the third day, from within the depths of the void was a single postcard.
3. And this postcard put forth a single ray of light which did pierce the darkness and did overcome the mists.
4. And the Missionaries were well pleased and there was much rejoicing.
5. But, alas, their joy was not to last. For the mailbeast had made a mistake and the postcard was for someone else.
6. But if their joy was so exceedingly great over someone else's mail, how great would be their joy at partaking of their own mail.

1. And we give unto you the parable of the Two Letter Writers.
2. At the hour of noon a certain scribe sat down to write a letter.
3. And the scribe did think of many things to write, but, he spent so much time thinking that he did not write.
4. Nevertheless he felt good because he had great intentions.
5. At that same hour a publican sat down and wrote a few words as he ate.
6. Yet he felt guilty at not writing enough.
7. And, lo, the 24 months passed and the Missionary returned home and passed by the scribes' house.
8. Yea, he went even unto the house of the publican and did visit the publican.
9. Verily a letter is like unto a prize in a Cheerios box; the which if a man knows it is in there he selleth all that he has that he may buy a case of Cheerios that he may obtain it.

1. Even more blessed than the Missionary receiving mail is a friend or relative writing letters.
2. And if you should spend 5 minutes writing on letter how great shall be your joy.
3. And if your joy be great with one letter, how great shall it be with many letters in the mailbox of a missionary.
4. Else why do they build Post Offices if letters are written not at all; why then do they build Post Offices.
5. Yea, though I speak with the tongue of men and angels, and write not letters, I am nothing.
6. Letters never faileth; But if there be good thoughts they shall fail; whether there be unsent mail it shall vanish.
7. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child.
8. Even as I have put away my childish things, ye must replace them with unchildish mail.
9. And now abideth thoughts, intentions, mail; These three. But the greatest of these is mail.
10. Yea, if thou lovest me, write me letters.

1. But some will say, a letter, a letter. We have already written a letter. We have no need to write anymore letters.
2. Know ye not that there are more days than one. And more events than one in a day. Why think ye that these events need not to be reported.
3. Yea, and ye need not worry that your letter will go unanswered.
4. But you should say, I will go and write the letter that a missionary requests. For I know he giveth no request except he be prepared to respond.
5. And we give unto you the Parable of the self addressed envelopes.
6. When the missionary departed into the far off land he gave a certain number of self-addressed stamped envelopes to his friends.
7. Unto one he gave 5, unto another he gave 2, and unto the third he gave 1.
8. And while he was gone he that was given the 5 envelopes wrote 5 letters then in his zeal wrote 5 letters more.
9. The same with him that had 2 envelopes; he wrote 2 letters and then 2 letters more.
10. He that was given the self addressed envelope became slothful and careless. And he lost the envelope, even that which he was given.
11. When the missionary came home he went unto his friends. And he that had written 10 letters was warmly greeted.
12. The same with him that had written 4.
13. But he that had written none at all was given nothing more than a Fishy-Whimp like handshake.

1. And it has been said; Blessed are the letter writers for they shall receive mail in return.
2. Blessed are they that keep in touch with a missionary for they shall know all that happens to him.
3. Ye and your letters are the light of a missionaries' day.
4. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
5. Neither do men write letters and put them in a desk but in an envelope that it giveth light unto all that are around the missionary.
6. Let your letters so be read by missionaries that they may see your good works and show an increased love to you.
7. And we give unto you the Parable of the Prodigal Letter Writer.
8. A missionary had two friends while he was laboring in the field.
9. One was faithful and wrote every week to the missionary.
10. Meanwhile, the other friend spent his stamp money on riotous living and wrote no letters.
11. But after 231/2 months he felt deep sorrow and did write a letter unto the missionary.
12. Who when he received it did go and kill the fatted Macaroni and Cheese box and did feast and was merry.
13. For it was meet that he should make merry for the letter writer which was lost was now found.

1. Unto you is given some stationary, and some paper, and some envelopes, and some pens and pencils.
2. For the writing of the letters, for the cheering up of the missionary, for the improving of your English skills.
3. Till the missionary return home, till we all come to be together again in the bond of friendship.
4. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose.
5. A time to contemplate writing and a time to write.
6. A time to put letters in the envelopes and a time to stamp the envelopes.
7. A time to mail the letters and a time to start the whole process over again.
8. Now we beseech you brethren concerning the coming home of our missionary and our gathering together to meet him.
9. That you be not soon shaken in mind or be troubled neither by word nor by any letter from us that the return missionary is at hand.
10. Let no one deceive you by any means for that day shall not come unless there first be an abundance of letters; and the man of mail be revealed, a true friend.

1. And the missionary said unto his friend, Lovest thou me?
2. And the friend said, of course I love thee.
3. He saith a second time, friend, Lovest thou me? and the friend said, Thou knowest that I love thee. He then said, Feed my mailbox.
4. He then spake a third time saying, Lovest thou me? and the friend said, Thou knowest all things, thou knowest I love thee.
5. Then the missionary said, Stuffest my mailbox.
6. And the vision is become unto all as the words of a letter which is sealed in the envelope that the men deliver to one who is not serving a mission saying, read this, I pray thee; and he saith I cannot for it is not mine.
7. And the letter is delivered to him that is serving a mission saying, read this I pray thee; and he saith, why sure.
8. Therefore you should proceed to do a marvelous work among a missionary, even a marvelous work and a wonder by writing a letter.

1. And the word of the Missionary came unto his friend saying,
2. Moreover, thou friend of mine, take thee one piece of paper and write it for a Missionary and for the House of the Mexico City North Mission, his companions; and then take an envelope and write upon it for a missionary and for the House of the Mexico City North Mission, his companions.
3. And join them one to another into a letter and they shall become one in the hand of the mailman.
4. For what doth it profit a man if he say he hath thought, but write no letter? Can thoughts save him?
5. If a brother or sister have a birthday,
6. And you say unto him, Happy Birthday, notwithstanding you give them not a cake with candles upon it. What doth it profit?
7. Even so, thoughts without letters are dead, being alone.
8. But if we say we have no thoughts, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9. Therefore, since ye have thoughts, write ye letters.

1. And now we wish to tell you the story of the Anti-letter-writer.
2. And there dwelt in the land at the time a certain Anti-letter-writer who went about convincing the people that there was no need to write letters.
3. Indeed so persuasive were his arguments that many people did cease to write letters to Missionaries.
4. Then a returned missionary did confront the Anti-letter-writer and didst dispute his arguments.
5. Then it came to pass that the Anti-letter-writer did ask for a sign that letters should be sent, then would he believe.
6. Then the returned missionary said, just as assuredly as letters are to be sent so wilt thou be struck down.
7. And at that moment the Anti-letter-writer was run over by a mail truck and was dragged even unto the Post Office, where he was subsequently mailed to Zimbabwe.
8. Now when the general public saw this they were pricked in their hearts and said, Men and brethren what shall we do?
9. Then the Returned Missionary said. Repent, every one of you and write ten letters unto each Missionary that he may forgive thee of thy thoughtlessness.
10. So now we leave you. Be of good cheer, and remember this last vision.
11. For I saw the dead, small and great stand before the judgment bar, and another book was opened which was the book of letters; and the dead were judged by the letters (or lack thereof) that they had written to the Missionaries.
12. So now we ask, What manner of men ought ye to be? Ye ought to be LETTER WRITERS !!!!!

Contributed by Diane