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In Keithville, La, as many as 50 people, including sheriff's deputies, game wardens, and wildlife officials, spent most of the night trying to rescue what appeared to be a big black bear caught high in a pine tree. Finally, after nearly eight hours, during which a veterinarian fired a number of tranquilizer darts, the rescuers chopped the tree down and discovered they had saved a heavily sedated black garbage bag.
Contributed by Shirley
My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch.
With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable oil,sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a
sign of scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner."
When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" I asked the clerk.
He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 pounds and hurried home.
My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe.
When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would gladly take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it could be done.
Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes, and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked my supply. It was still full! At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?"
Contributed by Sherry
5 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Contributed by Terri
The more things change . . .
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
The more things stay the same . . .
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year (year 2000). The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Contributed by Mary Sue
A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You ... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.
A Miss Is As Good As A ... Mr.
Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of ... Termites.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New ... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll ... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust ... Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The ... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is ... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.
A Penny Saved Is ... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What ... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And ... You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As ... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not ... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Get New Batteries.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind ... Get Out Of The Way.
Don't Bite The Hand That ... Looks Dirty.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But ... How?
Contributed by Shawn
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
9. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
14. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
15. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
16. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
17. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
18. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
19. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
20. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
21. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
22. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
23. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
24. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
25. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
26. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
27. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
28. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
29. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
30. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
31. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
32. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
33. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
34. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Contributed by Mary Sue
Computer Problem Report Form (Written by computer support people)
1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
Contributed by Doug
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Contributed by John and Patricia
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a used Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Telltale signs of advanced Parenthood--This one's for you mom
* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
* (for Mom's only!) You only have time to shave one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom just to get some "alone time."
* Your child spits up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid spits up at a ward party and you go right on eating.
* You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.
* You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching."
* You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
* You con your kid into thinking that "Toys R Us" is a toy MUSEUM and not really a store.
* You fast-forward through the scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.
* You hear YOUR parents voice when it's you that screams "Not in THOSE clothes you don't!"
* You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages, then spend half the night calling home to check on the kids.
* Rock concerts give you a headache
. . . and finally, you KNOW you're a victim of Advanced Parenthood when . . .
* You start offering to cut up other people's food for them!
Contributed by Shauna
There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. Its raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Contributed by Jenny
Got these from some friends out west.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Contributed by Alan
It is widely rumored today on the internet that United Parcel Service and Federal Express have begun preliminary discussions regarding a potential merger.
The new company will be called: FedUp.
Contributed by Courtnie-Bennet on 10/01/97
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling) from the Office of Educational Assessment at the University of Washington.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa from being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not come to school today because he has an acre in his side.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Contributed by Susan
When my father was in the air force he was in charge of maintenance of the atomic weapons. Atomic bombs, in case you didn't know, are big and heavy. So big and heavy that they have to be stored on special wooden mock-ups. The design of these mock-ups leaves quite a bit of empty space, around them and under them. Space for dust bunnies to make their den. Anyways, these "nukes" were kept in a special warehouse with two door at each end. Normally only one door is opened. However, one hot day this wasn't the case. While a unit of crack Green Beret's were marching in front, weapons were being loaded and unloaded from both ends of this warehouse. The day was especially windy and one powerful gust blew through the warehouse. Dust bunnies as you might realize, hate the wind and will try and flee if they are faced with it. So with this gust of wind came the dust bunnies. Not just any ordinary dust bunnies, but mutated dust bunnies. All of that radiation (and not to mention all of that empty space that no one bothered to dust, well, because its hard to lift up two tons of a thermo-nuclear device to dust underneath) had transformed these bunnies into balls as tall and wide as a man (no kidding.) Of course the world might have been saved from these mutated freaks if the Green Beret's outside upon the sight of them, hadn't dropped their guns, beret's, and packs and made for the hills. Picture this, grown men, trained to fight to the death, the elite of the elite, running scared from giant balls of dust. My father says you could hear the screams of the men as they were enveloped by the dust bunnies. Luckily in the end the bunnies hit a chain-link fence and split into a million smaller dust bunnies. These dust bunnies only multiplied and still live amongst us today.
Contributed by Jonathan on 7/8/97
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