Return to About Mormons home

Part 2

When I was little, our family would engage in family counsels and we'd talk about things happening in the future.  I remember asking my Dad questions and sometimes he would answer with, "I can't tell you that."  Or my sibblings would ask questions and sometimes he would answer the same way.  I took that very literal.   I ALWAYS thought that my dad had all these SECRETS.  I thought he knew all the answers and was keeping the secrets he had been told by answering, "I can't tell you that."  I finally realized that my dad just DIDN'T KNOW the answer and that he'd tell me if he did know!

Contributed by Rebecca

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hardened with callouses.  He was also a quite spiritual person and even when not on a hunger strike was quite thin and frail.  Furthermore, what little he did eat gave him very bad breath.  Therefore he became known as the ........

(think about this.....)

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Contributed by Grace

The Hazards of Bread

1.  More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2.   Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3.   In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4.  More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within  24 hours of eating bread.

5.  Bread is made fram a substance called "dough".  It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.  The average American eats more bread than that in one month!!

6.  Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurance of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinsons's disease and osteporosis.

7.  Bread has been proven to be addictive.  Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days!

8.  Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts!

9.   Bread has been proven to absorb water.  Since the human body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10.  Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11.  Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Farenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12.  Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless babbling.

Contributed by Mary Sue


At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

(1)  For no reason whatsoever you car would crash twice a day.
(2)  Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
(3)  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart it, and drive on.
(4)  Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your   car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to   reinstall the engine.
(5)  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT" but still you would have to pay extra to buy more seats.
(6)  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
(7)  The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
(8)  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
(9)  The airbag system would say, "Are you Sure?" before going off.
(10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift
the door handle,turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
(11) Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
(12) You would have to press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 

Contributed by Marge

Bumper Sticker Laughs

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

Contributed by Melissa

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Contributed by Mel

Your Star Wars Name

Some of you may know how to create your Hollywood name.  You take the name of your first household pet for the first name, and your mother's maiden name for the last name.   Thus, my Hollywood name is:

Emmy Smith

Some of you might also know how to create your Secret Author name.  To do this, you use your middle name as your first name, and the street you grew up on as your last name.   Thus, my Secret Author name is:

Renee Nineth

Well now there's a new one...

YOUR STAR WARS NAME!  To create your Star Wars name, you take the first 3 letters of your first name and concatenate it with the name of the street you currently live on.   That's your name.  Your planet is the name of the last prescription drug you took.  Thus, my Star Wars name is:

Cyn-Nagel of Phenegren

Contributed by Cyndy

Here is the key to successful weight lose without doing a thing. This program is absolutely FREE.

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise_____________________ Calories burned per hour
Beating around the bush.................75
Jumping to conclusions.................100
Climbing the walls.....................150
Swallowing your pride...................50
Passing the buck........................25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)..........50-300
Dragging your heels....................100
Pushing your luck......................250
Making mountains out of molehills......500
Hitting the nail on the head............50
Wading through paperwork...............300
Bending over backwards..................75
Jumping on the bandwagon...............200
Balancing the books.....................25
Running around in circles..............350
Eating crow............................225
Tooting your own horn...................25
Climbing the ladder of success.........750
Pulling out the stops...................75
Adding fuel to the fire................160
Wrapping it up at the day's end.........12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms .................50
Putting your foot in your mouth........300
Starting the ball rolling...............90
Going over the edge.....................25
Picking up the pieces after.............350 

Contributed by Pam

1.   No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.   When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3.   If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4.   Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
5.   You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6.   Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7.   Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
8.   Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
9.   School lunches stick to the wall.
10.  You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
11.  Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

1.   Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2.   There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look  for it.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3.   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4.   The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5 . Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6.   Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7.   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8.   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9.   Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.  You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and  wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Contributed by Judy

Eye Halve a Spelling Check Her

Eye halve a spelling check her
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a whirred
And weight four it two say
Weather eye em wrong oar write
It shows mi strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye halve run this poem threw it
Eye em shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chick her tolled mi sew.

--Sauce unknown


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies- two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am,"the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for  pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single  peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 119."

Contributed by Bryce

Real, Stupid Stories

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card  number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1st Person  "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person "A little.  What's wrong?"
1st Person  "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back  to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person  "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?"  I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't  get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?"  I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the's a long walk."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tech Support "What does the screen say now.."
Person "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready.'"
Tech Support "Well?"
Person "How do I know when it's ready?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And, one addition from a friend: She's been doing temp work at various offices.  At one place she became the resident expert on the photocopy machine.  One day there was a big backup.  She went over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from "punching" three holes down the side of each copy.  She opened the paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.

Contributed by Clyde

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when...

1.  You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2.  You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you had just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3.  You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4.  You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5.  You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6.  You find your self typing "com" after every period when using a word
7.  You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8.  When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9.  You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversation, you dont laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.

Contributed by Lana

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
11. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
12. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
13. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
14. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
15. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
16. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
17. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
18. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
19. User Error: Replace user.
20. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
21. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
22. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Contributed by Marge

It's wise to remember how easily today's wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound of her cry, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Dress light. It sure is hot down here.

Contributed by Sterling

Subject: Anagrams
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The following are exceptionally clever.   Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble!

Dormitory                   Dirty Room
Evangelist                    Evil's Agent
Desperation                A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code       Here Come Dots
Slot Machines            Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity                    Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms           Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness            Genuine Class
Semolina                     Is No Meal
A Decimal Point         I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes        That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two          Twelve plus one
Contradiction              Accord not in it

This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." ~Neil Armstrong

The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

Contributed by Pam

My husband sent me flowers once on my birthday.  I was shocked!  . . . When I got home I mentioned my surprise and he said, "Yeah, I told the florist you were going to die when you got them.  She said, 'That's okay, we do funeral flowers too'!"

Contributed by Sherry

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do
NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Contriuted by Louise

Kids say the cutest things!!!

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"   A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" "'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water. "One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Contributed by Carolyn

Return to LDS Humor Home

Return to All About Mormons