Mormon Jokes

J. Golden was once asked his opinion of women wearing cosmetics, which some General Authorities in the early part of the 1900s frowned upon.

When asked, J. Golden said: "Well, a little paint never hurt any old barn."

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?"

Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?"

"I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

It was late fall or early winter, and Elder Thurman was bemoaning the lack of snow in our Southern California town, while his Utah hometown was enjoying good "skiing weather." One evening, following a particularly good DA, the homesick elder and his companion were riding down a long, sloping street when Thurman sat up, took his hands off the bars and put them in his pocket while leaning left and right in a slalom course down the middle of the street.

Elder Sorenson lagged behind, knowing that trunkiness cometh before a fall and preferring to be an observer than a participant. Trouble soon arrived with the dip in the road, which left Thurman's bike out of control as he tried in vain to pull his hands out of his pockets. He and his bike slide along the curb before finally tumbling end over end, filnging tracts and discussion manuals all over Glendora, and Elder Thurman parted ways with his bike while Elder Sorenson sat on his bike, laughing . . .

. . .as Elder Thurman came to rest on the lawn of some people who had been watching this whole circus coming toward them. They ran to him asking if he was all right, and his instant response:

I was helping my two year old with his prayers one night trying to keep it simple but profound. I would say a line and he would repeat it, which worked fine until we got to a point where his own response seemed more appropriate: I said "Thank Thee for my many blessings," and he naturally responded with, "You're welcome."

Once J. Golden Kimball was showing some visitors from England around Salt Lake City. Every time they passed a noteworthy building, Kimball would tell how long it took to build. His European visitors always assured him that their country could build it in half the time. The group then passed the Salt Lake Temple. The tourists asked what it was.

My son's a CTR ... I go to PEC.
I work for CES....I study the TG.
I read the B of M .... I probe the D&C.
I search the KJV ... I ponder the JST.
Today in BYC ... we planned for EFY.
I stayed a little after ... and had a PPI.
The YM and YW ... are putting on a play.
It's one that I remember ...we did in MIA.
Before our oldest son ...went in the MTC,
He helped the BSA .... complete their SME.
Soon our oldest daughter ... is heading for the Y.
Soon our oldest clothing ... is going to DI.
Now, if you've understood ... this alphabetic mess,
The chances are quite good ... that you are LDS.

I was called to be Elders Quorum music director during a summer at Wymount (BYU married student housing). One Sunday, the EQ pianist was unable to come so we sang a cappella. I picked "Ye Elders of Israel" but I was leading them to the tune of "Redeemer of Israel". The song went along nicely... until the last phrase. (try packing 10 syllables into that last chord) Needless to say, we only sang one verse.

Many years ago we had an aquarium ... slowly, one by one, all of the fish died, but for some reason we kept the aquarium up and running for months afterward (I guess we were trying to decide whether or not to buy more fish). Anyway, the elders came over for dinner many times during those months and always looked in the aquarium for the fish. We told them that there was something special in that aquarium and that only the most righteous missionaries could actually see the fish. It was amazing how many of those elders saw fish in an empty aquarium!!! :)

. . . think of all the extra object lessons that your students would recognize: fireants, scorpions, killer bees, tornados. We live in a testing ground for some of the best latter day plagues. I've always suspected that the land of desolation is somewhere between San Antonio and El Paso.

At the seminary graduation ceremony for the Colorado Springs Stake, all the graduating seminary students were unexpectedly asked to share their sentiments regarding their early morning class, which started at 6 AM. One young lady started her remarks by commenting: "We are constantly hearing about marvelous new breakthroughs in the field of education. For instance, they have been talking a lot recently about teaching students while they sleep. Well, the Church is ahead of them again."

As a young missionary, Present Joseph F. Smith described how he traveled in lowly steerage and in the holds where "I never before smelt a smell like that smell smelt."

I work as an admission counselor at Truman State University in Kirksville, Missouri. One day while processing applications, a co-worker approached me and said, "I know you are Mormon. Don't they teach you to spell the name of your church?" I looked at the application she was holding and saw printed under "Religious preference (optional)", CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LADDER-DAY SAINTS. The entire office had a good chuckle over that one.

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the case, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed off out first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

(True story) A nursery leader wanted to get the children excited about cleaning up toys or other activity materials, so she started singing the Barney clean up song. One week, she was especially prepared and brought a big tape player with speakers and a Barney tape with the clean up song on it. When she started the tape, one little boy ran up to the tape player, put his head on his fists about 6 inches from the speaker, and said in his friendliest tone, "Barney! How doin'?" Barney kept singing, "Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere." The little boy replied, "Thanks!" Then he started cleaning cheerfully. So, maybe Barney IS a blessing.

A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president promptly asked for one last wish. She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song."

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it takes four.

One to fix refreshments.

One to bring the tablecloth.

One to design the Center Piece,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it,

they don’t do light bulbs.

They call a Priesthood Executive Council

And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four.

Three that don’t show up, and

One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests it take four.

Two to push the wheel chairs.

One to handle the oxygen tank,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,

But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.

He holds the light bulb in the socket

And the whole world revolves around him.

A ward house was in need of painting, but there was no budget to buy paint and pay someone to paint it. The bishop asked a member of the ward who was a painting contractor if he would donate his labor towards the cause. The brother agreed, the paint was purchased and delivered to his home. As the contractor looked at all the paint and imagined the hours it would require for him to complete the church job, he was tempted. He thought to himself that if he thinned the paint some he would be able to have to some paint that he could use in his business which would reimburse him somewhat for all of his effort.

He completed the job Saturday night and thought that all would be well as long as it didn't rain before the paint dried. Alas, he woke up Sunday morning to pouring rain. He went to the meeting house and saw the bishop shaking his head as he watched the paint running from the building. The contractor was humbled and apologetic. The bishop accepted his confession and gave him this advice, "Repaint, repaint! And thin no more."

"And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state." Alma 60:6

A man was being shown around heaven by St. Peter. He noticed a far off cliff and asked St. Peter, "What is over there?" St. Peter told him that it was hell and that he shouldn't look down because it was too horrible. The man, rather curious, looked over the edge anyway. He saw neat little farms sitting in a beautiful green valley surrounded by groves of fruit trees. The man said to St. Peter, "Hey, that doesn't look so bad!" Concerned, St. Peter also looked over the edge and exclaimed, "Darn it! Those Mormons are irrigating again!"

A true story, as originally related by a Church security guard. President Kimball was on an overseas tour, and was keeping a grueling schedule despite flagging health. It was unending. Tour this mission, go to that meeting, speak at this conference - wave after wave of work. His secretary, Brother Haycock, was getting concerned. One day, when President Kimball inquired as to the next item on the agenda, the secretary informed him that they had scheduled in some time for him to take a nap. President Kimball was visibly displeased, and responded "I think I understand...you are trying to save me." "Yes" his secretary replied. Without hesitation, President Kimball said: "But I don't want to be saved. I want to be exalted!"

My thanks to the First Presidency for this opportunity during which, as you can see, the lights combine with my cranium to bring some different "illumination" to this pulpit.

Contributed by the then-bald Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

Contributed by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the Seventy during General Conference on 10/5/96.

(A True Story) During a sacrament meeting, a little boy made a big disturbance. After several minutes of trying to quiet this noisy three-year-old, the mother desperately handed him to the father, who was seated on the aisle close to the front of the chapel. By this time the noise distracted the speaker and audience, and everyone was very conscious of the parents' plight. The father's patience was much shorter than the mother's. In a few moments he put the little boy over his shoulder, stood up, and started for the back door. Looking back over his father's shoulder and sensing his determined steps, the little boy became quiet and apprehensive. Just as the father approached the rear door of the chapel, the little fellow reached his arms out toward the stand and shouted, "Bishop, help!"

Contributed by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

On the early years of marriage. "The young years are often those when either husband or wife--or both--may still be in school or in those earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband's breadwinning capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs--Deseret Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one, runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."

Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

On the high expectations placed on mothers. One young mother "felt like the world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design, Latin, calculus, and the Internet--all before the baby said something terribly ordinary, like 'goo goo.'"

Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97