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The following article is a parody which shows the inanity of those who claim that "Mormons aren't Christians."

by John Tvedtnes

We've all heard the critic's complaint: "How can the Mormon church be true if such-and-such prophet made such-and-such mistake?" Examples range from Joseph Smith and "money digging" to Mark Hoffman getting by modern general authorities undetected. Sadly, so many people seem to think that prophets don't make mistakes.

Fear not! Murmuring is not a new phenomenon! John Tvetdnes, senior project manager for FARMS, recently "discovered" an ancient transcript of a conversation between several Israelites, dated to about 1500 B.C.

We are pleased to share with you the contents of this newly-translated document:

Jedediah: "How can we possibly accept Moses as a prophet? The guy can't even speak Hebrew correctly. And he stutters."

Amaziah: "Yeah, but worse than that, he says God wants us to come out here in this desert. Why would God want us to leave all that good Egyptian food and come out here where there's no food and no water?"

Abigail: "Remember when he first led us to water and it was so bitter we couldn't drink it? A real prophet would have known the water was bad."

Shemaryahu: "I agree. Moses has already proven to me that he's not a real prophet. First he said we'd be in the land of Canaan within the month. Now he's saying God wants us to wander in the desert for forty more years. As far as I'm concerned, this one false prophecy makes him a false prophet, and the miracles just don't mean anything if we can't rely on him to tell the truth."

Amaziah: "But you know what really gets me? It's the inconsistency. I mean, look how many people got killed over the golden calf incident. And who gets off scott-free? Aaron, the one who made the calf—and only because he's Moses' brother."

Sariah: "That kind of favoritism really bugs me. I mean, when both Aaron and Miriam complained about the woman Moses married, who got cursed with leprosy? Was it Aaron? No. Just Miriam—just a woman. I'd like to get out of this chicken male chauvinist-dominated society."

Jedediah: "Well, you can't get out. He's got that band of Levites, armed with swords, ready to strike down anyone who doesn't tow the party line."

Amaziah: "That bugs me, too. You'd think it was bad enough that Moses doesn't let women into the priesthood. But he won't even let members of my tribe hold the priesthood because we're not Levites."

Sariah: "Yeah, the Levites get all the perks, including the sacrifices and tithes. And what do we get for all these contributions? A tabernacle that only a select few can enter and a bit of manna each morning."

Abigail: "What I'm sick and tired of is all the spiritual abuse of anybody whose dares to think for herself. Look what happened to the man who was trying to provide firewood for his family on the Sabbath. Moses had him stoned. And all those people who died when he had them swallowed up in the earth."

Shemaryahu: "And that brings up another point. How can we accept a prophet who is himself a great sinner? I mean, the only reason he had to leave Egypt in the first place was because he murdered some guy."

Joshua: "I think you're all out of line. I support the Lord's prophet. I saw things on the mountain that strengthened my testimony. And I'm sure there are good reasons for some of the things you've been complaining about. And how do you explain all those miracles? Moses may not be perfect, but who of us could do better? I mean, when he's wrong, the Lord eventually sets him straight. I think we . . ."

All the rest: "Shut up, idiot! Don't give us any of that 'testimony' crap!"

(See Response to Criticism home page; General Criticism home page)