Mormon Culture Jokes
You might be a Mormon if...
- You might be a mormon if you've ever referred to a friend as your
"Companion."
- You might be a mormon if you have ever inadvertently addressed your boss or
coworkers as brother or sister.
- You might be a mormon if you have ever blessed cake, cookies or donuts saying,
"Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies."
- You might be a mormon if you have ever used the phrase "With every fiber
of my being."
- You might be a mormon if all your dishes have your name written on masking
tape.
- You might be a mormon if you have something stuck to your refrigerator for
every time you have attended Relief Society.
- You might be a mormon if you have geese or cow decorations anywhere in your
kitchen.
- You might be a mormon if you think toys are a normal part of any landscaping.
- You might be a mormon if you've ever refused a coke although it's 105 degrees
outside.
- You might be a mormon if you know a 300 lb woman who doesn't drink coke
because it may cause her to be unhealthy.
- You might be a mormon if you have no idea who ever said Mormons shouldn't
drink coke.
- You might be a mormon if you received baby clothes at a bridal shower (and
didn't need them -honest- but you were really excited to get them.)
- You might be a mormon if you have to lock your car in the church
parking lot to keep it from being filled with zucchini, tomatoes, and egg plants.
Mixed up Primary Songs
My friend Juliet learned to sing "I Hope They Call
Me On a Mission" before she could read. She said she was mortified some years later
to read the chart in primary and suddenly realized that the words read, "I hope by
then I will be ready." She had been singing, "I hope the dinner will be
ready." I guess it made sense when she was four.
Contributed by Debbie
How about this one:
I have five little fingers on one little hand.
I have six on the other; I don't understand.
During all the long hours till daylight is through,
I have one little finger with nothing to do!
Once you sung it that way once, its hard to recall the
original.
[The real lyrics go:
I have two little hands folded snuggly and tight.
They are tiny and weak, yet they know what is right.
During all the long hours till daylight is though,
There are plenty indeed for my two hands to do.]
Contributed by Kemsley
Speaking in tongues
I had a green companion from the southern states and he
spoke his poor Spanish with a southern drawl. It was his turn to do the door approach at a
particular house. After about two minutes, the man's eyes opened really wide and his face
filled with amazement. Suddenly he turned and yelled into the house, "Wife, come
quick! This gringo's talking English and I can understand him."
Contributed by Ken
Our family has a favorite about Missionaries in the
southern U.S.
Apparently, after visiting with some elderly people the
missionaries tracted out, they overheard the man saying to his wife as they left:
"Ain't that a hoot! Both them boys named
Elmer!"
Contributed by Kent
Is that a hymn?
A counselor in our bishopric last Sunday commented about
another time when he had first been called as a counselor in another bishopric. Apparently
during ward business, someone raised an opposition to a calling. The counselor, not
knowing what to do or how to handle the situation, turned to the bishop who told him that
he should go on and they would talk to the person later. The poor counselor was so shaken
by the experience that he then said, "We will now prepare for the Sacrament by
singing hymn #193, I Stand All Opposed."
[The real title: "I Stand All
Amazed"]
Contributed by Eric
There was a Bishop in Idaho who was also a mortician. He
got up to announce the closing hymn. "We will now close with hymn number 243, Let Us
All Pass On."
[The real title: "Let Us All Press
On"]
Contributed by Jan
Norman Snarr, First Counselor in the
Newburgh New York Stake presidency spoke at our stake conference last month and during his
talk he said: Most of you are probably familiar with the sacrament hymn (and he sung the
words), "Jesus, Once of Humble Birth."
"Well," he went on, "When I
was a little child in Primary I used to sing it with great joy, but I had mistakenly heard
and learned the words as (and he sang, again): "Jesus, once a humming bird...."
Contributed by Alan
You may have heard "Air the room you left this
morning, did you think to spray?"
Well, for the five years that my father was a bishop, if
he ever announced that hymn, he called it, "Air the room you left this morning."
Nobody was the wiser except his giggling kids.
[The real song is (Ere You Left Your
Room This Morning) Did You Think to Pray?]
Contributed by Kemsley
Utah Residency Test
You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the
following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah. Failure to do
so qualifies you as a temporary resident only.
Do you have a bumper sticker that says "Families
can be Forever"?
Was the mother of the bride pregnant at your wedding?
Did a member of your family write in Lavelle Edwards for President in the last election?
If you shop on Sunday, do you post date the check?
Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic?
Were you an aunt or uncle before you attended kindergarten?
Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times?
Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory?
When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates?
Do you consider "dam" a swear word?
Does your family consider a trip to McDonald's a night out?
Do you believe you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe?
Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses?
Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer?
Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference?
When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the L.A. riots?
Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late?
Did you meet your spouse at BYU or on "Your Mission."
Can you make a Jell-O with fruit salad without a recipe?
Do you bring cola home from the store in a brown paper bag?
Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday?
Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale?
Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football?
Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party?
Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group?
When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and
have a family reunion at the gate?
Do you have a "Quiet Book" as part of your library?
Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than two years apart in age?
Do you say "Gawl", "Heck", or "Fetch" more than once a day?
Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year?
Do you think "Ignernt" means rude?
Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house?
Do you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle (how about LaDurl)?
Does your 2 year supply of food include more than 40 pounds of candy?
Do you keep a supply of butcher paper on hand to make large "Welcome Home"
banners?
Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin?
Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard?
Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to "Move Back"?
Do you shop for wedding gifts at D.I?
Does your family take Mormon Tequila to family reunions? (Ingredients of Mormon Tequila:
Kool-aid with gummi worm in the bottom.)
Has anybody in your family ever taken Cheerios in a sandwich bag or Tupperware dish to
church?
Have you ever made a major purchase at D.I (Couches, appliances, electronics)?
Contributed by Ted
Some original primary song versions:
I always take a box of candy
When I go to church.
I nibble it, it's soft and sweet.
I let it fall beneath my feet.
It gets stuck to the bishop's feet
When I go to church. (see "When I Go to Church," The Children's Songbook,
p. 157)
I love money, it loves me.
I love spending lavishly.
But I'm broke, and so you see,
That's why I'm into burglary. (see "A Happy Family," The Children's Songbook,
p. 198)
The china plates lay hidden
Deep in the cabinet drawer
Until the child found them
And dropped them on the floor. (see "The Golden Plates," The Children's
Songbook, p. 86)
Contributed by Rick
How many Primary workers/children does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
TWELVE!
4 Cub Scouts to do the job and pass off a requirement.
1 Den Leader to sign their books.
3 children to hold up pictures.
1 chorister to lead everyone in a song.
2 Primary Teachers to assist
1 Member of the Presidency to oversee the activity.
Contributed by Kathy
During Singing Time, our music leader had a Nativity scene with
individual pieces like Mary, Joseph, Jesus, etc. The kids each got to pick a piece and put
it on the scene and each piece had a corresponding song. One piece was a small lamb and a
little girl put it on the scene. The Music Leader then asked, "Why do you think that
there was a lamb in the stable?"
A little boy in my CTR 5 class piped up and said questioningly,
"Mary had a little lamb?"
Contributed by Terri
I remember one time that I had a investigator meeting
with two elders named Elder Jensen and Elder Lamb. They were talking about priesthoods.
Elder Jensen asked me if I knew what the Aaronic Priesthood was, I guessed and said that
it was the opposite of the real priesthood. (I thought they said Ironic Priesthood)
Contributed by SBekki
Many of the gentile persuasion in the SLC area have
taken to calling members of the church "Mo's."
Well, the truth is that being called a Mo isn't so bad.
While it's not exactly a term of endearment, Mo beats some of the other things I've been
called--lots of them by fellow Mo's. To ease the tension, between Mos and gentiles, I've
come up with a brief Mo Lexicon. Practice these terms, learn to be comfortable with your
Mo-ism.
MO - Mormon
NO MO - Non-Mormon
MO NO MO - Apostate
MO NOPOLY - Utah
MO TOWN - Provo
MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in Provo.
MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.
PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon
MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!
MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement.
SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School
MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books, parking lots and
dumps.
MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.
MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.
LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.
MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.
MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.
MO LDIE - Older LDS member, temple worker, etc.
And my personal favorite (probably because it's my creation)
MO MO Missourian Mormon
Contributed by Rich
In the past few weeks, the Mo-mania struck the
Institute's student e-mail list, and there were brief exchanges of what was called
"Mo ses."
Here are a few of what we came up with.
MO SIAH - Italian member's expression of dismay
MO TION - What LDS do to coffee, tea, tobacco and alcoholic drinks
MO B - deseret
MO BILE - more healthy than other bile because of low alcohol consumption and the positive
affect this affords the liver.
MO BIUS - a proud aclamation of one's LDS'ness
MO BIUS STRIP - only performed in modest or appropriate circumstances.
MO DEL - where the Mormon farmer hangs out
MO DERN - a western LDS cuss word - softer than "fetch"
MO DIFY - to be in open rebellion
MO DULATE - how outsiders refer to "Mormon Standard Time"
MO DULE - since killing isn't allowed, it usually amounts to scripture chase
MO HAWK - political faction opposed to the MO DOVES
MO HICAN - an strong supposition that a particular male LDS is able to do the task in
question
NO MO MO - What Governer Boggs tried to achieve.
NO MO MO MO - What Governer Boggs tried to achieve and the state in which he tried to
achieve it.
MO LDS - What we get when we do our missionary work and from "filling the measure of
our creation". <note> The emphasis in conference was on the retention of the MO
LDS. (MO for "more")
Mo bile (pronunciation of the town): Tithing.
Mo cking: Gordon B. Hinckley.
Mo ccasin: Drinking coffee.
Mo dal: cf. molasses.
Mo lar: One who doesn't do his hometeaching, but says he does.
Mo narch: A Mormon DEA Agent.
Mo nophobia: Why Mormons have so many kids.
Mo notony: The Ward choir.
Mo ra: Go [insert favorite team(s) here]!
Mo rat: Ex-FBI Special Agent Richard (???) Miller.
Mo reover: One's pet dog.
Mo ro, mo rro, mo rrow: Where a pew is found.
Mo rose: Singular of morosis, plural of moro et al.
Mo rosis: Flowers that adorn the church podium.
Mo saic: Needs to call the Elders for a blessing.
Mo slem: Salt Lake City's West Side.
Mo selle: Life Insurance.
Contributed by Mark
Yup. This is fun.
Mo llify -- To cause to be Mormon and Female
Mo nothesism -- A door slammer
Mo nolingual -- First week in the MTC
Mo niker -- Not Haynes
Mo nk -- Steve Young
Mo noxide -- Ex Mormons for Jesus
Mo ron -- John C. Bennett
MO ST -- A redundancy
Contributed by LauraMaery
Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother
couldn't find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on
the curb with his head in his hands. She said "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament
is about to start." He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No
one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back in....You're the
Bishop."
This was the opening remark by Sister Roche, the
Washington D.C. temple matron, at the last Wilmington, N.C. Stake conference.
Contributed by Robert
An Apocryphal Story
In the early 1840's, the head of a fundamentalist
Christian religion near Nauvoo decided that all the Mormons had to leave Illinois.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So the fundamentalist
Christian leader made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon
community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the fundamentalist Christian
leader won, the Mormons would leave.
The Mormons realised that they had no choice. So they
picked a middle-aged immigrant convert named John to represent them. John, being a simple
man of the earth and still learning the English language, asked for one addition to the
debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The
fundamentalist Christian leader agreed.
The day of the great debate came. John and the
fundamentalist Christian leader sat opposite each other for a full minute before the
fundamentalist Christian leader raised his hand and showed three fingers.
John looked back at him and raised one finger. The
fundamentalist Christian leader waved his fingers in a circle around his head. John
pointed to the ground where he sat.
The fundamentalist Christian leader pulled out a wafer
and a glass of wine. John pulled out an apple. The fundamentalist Christian leader stood
up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."
Minutes later, the Deacons of the fundamentalist
Christian religion were all around their leader asking him what happened. The
fundamentalist Christian leader said: "First I held up three fingers together to
represent that God the Father, his son Jesus and the Holy Ghost were all three in one. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that they were all one in purpose.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was in the air everywhere at once. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing me
that God the Son had appeared to many with a resurrected body.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that we are
saved from our sins by grace alone. He pulled out an apple to remind me of repentance and
doing good works. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Mormon community had crowded around John.
"What happened?" they asked. "Well," said John, "First he said to
me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving".
"Then he told me that this whole city would be
cleared of Mormons. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" they asked.
"I don't know," said John. "He took out
his lunch and I took out mine."
Contributed by Rich
YOU MIGHT BE A MORMON IF...
If you've ever used the phrase "bless those who aren't here this time
that they can be here next time."
If you've ever used the above phrase while offering a prayer at a state prison, youth
detention facility or other place of confinement.
If you think "ignorant" means rude.
If you think the word ignorant is pronounced "ignernt"
If you think BYU's holiday bowl victory over SMU in 1980 is proof of the true church.
If you still talk about the holiday bowl victory of 1980.
If you refuse to accept the fact that the two BYU players on either end of that
"miracle pass" were Catholic.
Even though he was born and raised in Connecticut, you consider Steve Young a Utah native.
If you couldn't raise your children in Utah, Connecticut would be your second choice.
If you've ever used the words: fetch, flip, scrud, or oh-my-heck.
If you ever apologized for using such language.
If you've ever used your temple recommend as a check protection card.
If you hide your recommend in the back of your wallet when you shop on Sunday.
If you believe Jell-O is one the basic food groups.
If you've ever mixed Jell-O with any kind of meat.
If you like Jell-O mixed with any kind of meat.
If you have your order in for volume 25 of "The Work and The Glory"
If you use the dust jacket from "The Work and The Glory" so you can read romance
novels in public.
If you've ever quoted "The Work and The Glory" in a talk or a lesson.
If you feel that "The Work and The Glory" would be better if it took place in
Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve.
If you were shocked to find out that the cast and crew of "Touched By An Angel"
were not Mormon.
If you feel that "Touched By An Angel" would be better if it took place in
Connecticut and the hero's name was Steve.
If you can come up with at least 10 good excuses as to why Steve Young isn't married.
If you believe any of those excuses.
If you've ever passed a rumor about a major celebrity appearing on a major talk show
wearing a CTR ring and announcing that he has joined the Mormon church. (Steve Martin in
1996, Harrison Ford in 1993, Jack Klugman in 1988, Woody Allen in 1982)
If you've ever believed that rumor.
If you still believe that rumor.
If you're planning to read this list during Family Home Evening.
If, while giving a presentation in a public place such as a board meeting, you have ever
inadvertently ended with, "in the name of . . ."
If you've ever ended your presentation with those words deliberately.
If, during the NBA finals in 1997, you felt guilty when the TV announcer said that Larry
Miller was not watching the game because of religious beliefs.
If you shut the TV off.
If you felt better when Larry Miller showed up after all.
If all your children are named after Old Testament Prophets.
Even your daughter Zerubbabel.
If you ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of children.
If you were shocked to find out that the 24th of July was not a national holiday.
If you refer to the days of '47 royalty as "The queen and her two counselors."
If at least one member of your family has a pseudo-French name such as LaVell, LaDell, or
Bidet.
If your mother-in-law was pregnant at your wedding.
If at least one of your salad bowls is at your neighbor's house.
If you're father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
If, while teaching a lesson in Relief Society meeting, you've ever apologized for not
preparing a center piece.
If, while teaching a lesson in Priesthood meeting, you've ever apologized for not
preparing a lesson.
Contributed by Jon
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